Tis but a scratch

Tis but a scratch...just a flesh wound.

After a month of worry, praying, treating and looking, the final word came in today. The spot in Pam's mouth that a biopsy was taken from a week ago is most likely caused by tamoxifan and the doctor believes over time it will heal. It is a big answer to prayer that it is not cancerous and we are thankful for all of those who submitted them on Pam's behalf.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Have a blessed Christmas. See you here?

almost crossed that bridge

Around three weeks ago Pam was on cruise control, kind of postponing any thoughts about her illness and the next steps until after the holidays. That is when the little mouth "irregularity" showed up and suddenly there was another bridge to cross. Recap...off to an oral surgeon, treated as a wound for the past two weeks, scheduled to be looked at at a follow up visit today, the 8th. Pam had monitored it daily. I looked at it almost every day and to my untrained eye it seemed like some days it was healing and others it wasn't. Odd. I really thought that the surgeon would look at it and say, "It's healing slowly, but nicely." (Here is a pic of "it" from today if you dare.)

Once in the office it was one of those moments like I mentioned in a previous post. You could tell by his reactions and lack of words that he wasn't going to brush it off. Rather, he looked at it intently, sat down and said, "I still don't think this could be related to your cancer but..." In the end, Pam actually got what she wanted from todays visit. A biopsy. We have to wait until next Monday or Tuesday for the Univ. of Kentucky pathology people to decide what it is. Hoping it is a nothing something. At least we are closer to knowing.

There were positives from the past couple of days. We finally saw our first snow yesterday. Who doesn't love snow? We have never had to drive so far for a doctor. It takes just over an hour door to door. We actually had a nice drive with time to talk today. Granted, a lot of our talk centered around cancer and friends with cancer and even talking about talking about cancer. But we also talked about Randy's blog and the writings it contains (and how dumb I feel by comparison), faith, prayer, and an assortment of other things. We saw a beautiful 10 point buck prancing along a field parallel to I-74. My mind wandered off a moment or two and thought about the temperature, 32 degrees. Is that the temperature that water freezes and ice thaws? Can those two things happen at the same time? I need to check Randy's blog under the category - science - and see if he ever explained that one.

Then this evening we enjoyed some more rain. I got to go grocery shopping. Erin pulled another tooth out of her mouth. The kids found a surprise in their stockings (and you are the benefactor of that stocking stuffer if you click here ... if any of the videos stick, bump the slide next to the play button slightly). I burned a frozen pizza. Fun night. Pam is actually in good spirits even though she spent yet another rainy cold day, getting another biopsy (we have lost count of how many times we have done this, and seriously, 90% of her medical events have occurred in bad weather...Mike knows what I am talking about...a link to his incredible story will someday show up on this blog...right Mike?) We laughed a lot tonight.

We are blessed. Thanks for the prayers. If you can keep submitting them a bit longer we'd appreciate it.

downer family

Read a post or two on this blog and you might walk away thinking "what a downer." We know what club we are in and we just have to embrace it. Thanks for coming down with us.

13 (or more) reasons to be thankful

The weeks before and after Thanksgiving are not Pam's favorite times of the year. From mid-October to early December she gets to "celebrate" all the bad news that has historically erupted for her. Her birthday is one such anniversary (biopsy 08). So it takes the fun out of it. The day before Thanksgiving, mastectomy. Thanksgiving day...pain, loss. Oct. 19th, my birthday, self-discovery of her first tumors. It goes on and on.

This year... A little over a week ago we celebrated Pam's 24th birthday. It was 40% enjoyable for her I would say. She received loads of clothing from her store (she even got a handwritten thank you note from them for all her business), pink MLB bat, with autographs, and 98 birthday greetings on her Facebook (during my three years on Facebook I received 2 total...don't have to be a math whiz to realize that is only a little over 1 per year on average...one of the reasons I quit Facebook). It was all good. But the right side of her face and neck was sore.

Wednesday the 18th, anniversary of the 2008 diagnosis, is where I will begin with the long list of things to be thankful for from the past 7 days. Lots of links included.

1) Medpointe. On Wednesday Pam went to Medpointe to see if there was some infection causing the soreness. A rapid strep test was performed and was negative, but an antibiotic was given just as a precaution. Thankful for the Medpointe people as they didn't look on the roof of her mouth, thus saving us one night of worry last week.

2) Dr. Kristie Wollard. Concerned about her perfect teeth (chemo can be hard on such areas), Pam went in to see her friend and dentist Kristie on Thursday morning. Moments after sitting her down, Kristie and her assistant noticed an "irregularity." (That was the best pic I could get.) When you see medical professionals to the tune of 100+ per year like Pam does, you learn to read their physical actions in addition to listening to their words. Kristie's reaction was enough for Pam to understand her concern. A couple of mirrors were positioned for Pam to see. It was tough, Pam broke down. A cancer patient, especially a recurrent cancer patient, even a faithful and positive thinking one, always waits for "something" to show up. This irregularity looked like something had shown up. It appeared suddenly and it came without pain. The gray and blackness of it were startling. We are thankful for Kristie and her care and concern for Pam. She immediately directed Pam to a specialist. Oh, and Kristie didn't charge Pam for this visit. Didn't expect that.

3) A terrifically somber and short call to me from Pam followed. My heart raced as I waited for Pam to arrive. She entered the room, told me an irregularity was found by Kristie and wept. Then she showed me. I couldn't believe my eyes. So we went directly to her oncologists office without an appointment, not really able to wait a full day to see the oral surgeon. Her oncologist was out of the Peoria office that day, but we were thankful for the lab nurses/techs and that one of the other oncologists saw her. He shall remain nameless because he kind of mis-diagnosed it, and did so in a terrifically over confident way, even spelling it out on a marker board. So, the thankfulness for him is slightly less than pure thankfulness. OK, we weren't super thankful for him. Not the warm reassuring type. We were thankful that the office didn't charge us for the impromptu visit though.

4) "Second cousin" and "goofy." It isn't often that I panic. I panicked this day. Very thankful that the big shoulders of these guys met us at the Cancer Center for prayer and support. This was the first time I had ever called for support like this during the past 5 years that I remember. They didn't hesitate.

5) Dr. Michael Veeder. Really thankful for him. He called last Thursday evening (and Monday evening, and Tuesday evening) and let Pam know what steps she should be taking and that the feelings she/we had during our visit with the other oncologist were legitimate.

6) Dr. Kathy Arkwell. We have lost track of how many times Kathy has talked us through and encouraged us. She spent much time on the phone last Thursday evening with Pam giving guidance, direction and encouragement. Crazy thankful for Kathy.

7) Lisa. Thankful that Lisa showed up at our house to comfort and encourage Pam last Thursday evening. She even got her to eat something.

8) Susan and Amy. Thankful that these two haven't hardly let an hour go by without checking on Pam during all of this. You don't know how encouraging you both are.

9) Dr. Nate Shroeder. Thankful for Dr. Shroeder, an out-of-network oral surgeon who was able to look at Pam on Friday before the weekend set in. His panoramic x-ray of her mouth and jaw showed no masses, easing the concern over the sore lumps near her teeth and in her neck. He was the first to tell Pam that the chances of this being metastatic breast cancer showing up on her palate were very slim. Gave her some confidence heading into the weekend.

10) Dr. Stephen Doran. Had to travel all the way to Bloomington for this in-network oral surgeon on Monday, but he is a good one. He came with high recommendations from Kathy and that means a lot. We were thankful for his examination, second x-ray, and confidence that this was not a cancer. He explained things in a most reassuring way, although he stopped short, as most of the others had, of saying what is causing this. He thinks it is possibly a reaction to one of the drugs Pam is on. If it doesn't show signs of healing in the very near future, he will go a step further.

11) Dr. Denise Mammolito. Always thankful for Pam's general surgeon. She has looked at everything that has arisen within Pam, and this one was no different. She saw Pam yesterday for another reason, revisiting a lump Pam discovered in Sept. that she is keeping an eye on, but looked at this mouth spot as well.

12) Dr. Azizur Rehman. Thankful for him, we think, not really sure yet. About two weeks ago Pam's primary care physician retired, leaving her without a general practitioner during this latest fiasco. Dr. Rehman is in the same office as the last guy, so for now, Pam is switching to him because she can't go without someone. He is likely the last medical person who will look at this spot in her mouth for now. Thankful for that also.

And lucky #13) Pam said she might wear her Halloween costume to Thanksgiving dinner to make things more fun after this rather crappy past seven days. For that I am thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

5 years ago

Five years ago our life was soooo different. Pam was still two weeks away from beginning the fight against her newly discovered cancer. She had all her parts. Her memory hadn't be stolen yet. Her teaching skills were second to none. She walked this hall each day tending to her 6th graders with love and amazing skill. Most of the people she taught with during her many years at Mossville have left by now. It is such a different place. It is almost strange to go back there now, like Josh and I did for a basketball game on Monday night. He and I recollected about the fun times we had in the gym on the weekend days or the many evenings Pam worked in her room and he, Erin and I played in the gym. He chuckled as he recalled the light he may or may not have broken with a misguided basketball shot. He and Erin remember how they used to leave drawings and messages on Pam's whiteboard for her class to see the following day. That hallway/classroom was pretty new when Pam left. Last time we were in there it still had that "new" classroom smell. We remembered the good (really old) old days when Pam was in her room nearest the office. The days of catching dozens of mice in the live trap, then trying to figure out how to kill them. Pregnant Pam (with Josh), teaching kids who have long since graduated from high school. Remembering some kids and many co-teachers/friends from Mossville who aren't on this earth anymore. Bringing either kid to Mossville to have lunch with Pam, and/or for Pam to give them lunch (again, back when she had all her parts).

It's just weird to think back. Five years doesn't seem like a long time, but so much has happened in those five years. So odd.

Understanding

Understanding is not so easy. I don't really understand how hard things are for Pam. I know she can pull off looking fantastic and smiling. I know she can hide how she feels at times. I know her energy is low. I know her memory is shaky. I know she can't recall any better than I can exactly how many friends/family have passed away in the past year (I just went through the contacts in my cell phone and I know it is at least four, beginning with Randy). Definitely can't recall how many over the past two or three. A great man ended his 22 month battle with cancer yesterday, leaving behind his loving wife and four beautiful daughters. Don Bowen had us all praying for miracles, BIG ones. Everyone will miss Don. Christmas won't be the same without him. We don't understand.

I used to turn to Randy Shafer to help in my understanding of things big and small. I still do. His blog hangs out there for me to reference. Memories of our conversations are beginning to fade, but some things stuck. Like when he said he will know he is cured of cancer when he dies from something else. There is no cure for cancer, but some people are cured. We thought Pam was a year ago. Quite confident right up until Nov. 17th. Understanding why some are and some are not is very difficult. Understanding why the most common breast cancer treatment works in pretty much all women, except Pam, is hard. Understanding exactly what to do next is not easy. It's all enough to make a girl hurry home from an appointment and just need to eat a cookie (thanks Debbie). And candy the next day.

To quote myself...hubba, hubba

One of the more depressing posts I made was last January 13th titled Eight Words. I wrote it during the dead of winter after a horrible week in between one surgery and the start of chemotherapy. But my last two sentences of that post is what I am reminded of after Pam surprised me by wanting to attend a grown-up dress-up party last Saturday night. Surprised is too mild a word. Shocked is more like it. Pam stepped way out of character for a regular year, but way WAY out for a year like she has had.

So, at great risk to myself, I am going to post a few pics from Saturday. Hope you got to this update soon, because I have a feeling these pics won't be on here for long.

Like I said on January 13th...hubba, hubba.

Oooohhhhh noooooooo!!!!! You are too late to see the pics! They were so hot they were melting motherboards. Soooooo sooooorrrrryyyy. But I will leave the post with a little visual.

Life Goes On

Pam is fast approaching her five year anniversary (Oct. 19th) of finding her first lumps of cancer. Every stage of this journey has had moments of terror, joy, fear, understanding, confusion, excitement, pain, peace, panic, relief, concern...basically, but especially at a time like now, it keeps her down. Keeps her in (going for doctors appointments and medical tests don't count as getting out). You just don't see her out much right now, a very complicated time for her, dealing with the events of this past year on top of the events of the previous four.

Everyone has hard times. A friend just lost her young mother. A friend is really struggling with his cancer. Two friends miss their husbands who died too soon. Pam isn't alone in going through difficult times, but difficult times make you sooooo lonely. In recent weeks Pam has suffered shared losses with her grandmother's passing as well as a very good friend, Dan Swille. Dan died a couple weeks ago. Most people didn't know the Dan Pam knew. He was so kind to her. We have a little friend facing a major surgery in her battle with cancer right now. Two doors down the pediatric hall from her you'll find our 13 month old nephew, struggling with the unknown. For someone physically and emotionally drained, it almost is too much. But, life goes on.

On a regular evening, Pam will be in her PJs by 6pm. Really. Not that she actually is able to sleep, but she is always ready. Kind of eliminates a lot of our nighttime social options. Yesterday evening our doorbell rang (a rare event, quite exciting). It was Ashley, one of Pam's former students, with an invitation and a gift for her. I called peejayed Pam to the door and Ashley surprised her with a warm invite to her volleyball game this evening (Tuesday). The gift for Pam was a pink Volley for the Cure shirt. The IVC vs. Princeton game tonight was being played with a secondary motive to winning, raising money for breast cancer research. The gym was packed with hundreds of people, the majority in pink. The players wore pink. The ball was pink. The umpires... referees... judges... whatever you call them in volleyball, wore pink shirts and blew pink whistles. They even recognized those in the crowd who have battled breast cancer. And to our surprise, of the hundreds there, I only noticed two stand. I don't know why that surprised me. It was quite an exciting evening. A nice distraction.

Like I said, life goes on despite all of the trials, physical and emotional. It is thrilling when Pam gets an unexpected lift like Ashley's invite last night which actually resulted in Pam getting out tonight to see some of that "life going on." Or the lift that was delivered last Friday night, or even today with some special connection time. Takes the pressure off of our kids, the ultimate encouragers, always finding a way to cheer their mom up, whether they realize it or not. Life is really hard, sometimes you have to look equally as hard to find the bright spots.

James 4:9

having it good (or at least better)

I have lost track of time, but I believe it was two years ago that I was at The Leadership Summit when Richard Curtis was being interviewed. He showed a video clip he filmed while in India. It has always stuck with me and I finally found a copy of it that I can share. We find ourselves living quite a few blocks off Easy Street when we consider Pam's/our struggles these days, but we know we are still blessed. Be thankful.

Looks

Pam ventures out to ballgames. Sometimes she makes it to the store. She made it to church two weeks in a row. She smiles and greets everyone she sees. She is trying.

She made it to Miami and back last week, happy she was able to honor her grandma and relieved that her suffering was over.

She is grateful to all who encouraged her last week. You are so appreciated.

Pam toils with medical issues each day. Recent days have brought concerns and worries, but you wouldn't know it, she hides it well. She presses on.

Looks...can be deceiving.

Mary Hunter obituary

Mary Kay Williams Morris Potter Hunter

HUNTER, MARY KAY WILLIAMS MORRIS POTTER, 97 years and 3 months, passed away September 5, 2009, leaving her family and friends with an abundance of memories and love. Mary Kay, born in Bicknell, Indiana on June 5, 1912, came to Florida to live with her beloved sister Nellie and to pursue her education. She graduated in 1930 from Homestead High School and in 1935 from Florida State College for Women (now Florida State University), where she was a member of the 13th graduating class of this university. Prior to her retirement, she was an elementary school teacher for 30 years in Homestead, Little River and Greynolds Park. She enjoyed playing bridge with her many friends and was a sports fan, diplomatically dividing her loyalty between the FSU Seminoles and the Florida Gators in order to humor all members of her immediate family. Noted for her generosity and desire to serve her community, she volunteered as a Pink Lady at North Shore Hospital, and was a member of Alpha Delta Kappa, an international honorary organization of women educators dedicated to educational excellence, altruism and world understanding, the Philanthropic Educational Organization (P.E.O. International Sisterhood), a philanthropic organization where women celebrate the advancement of women, as well as an active member of Miami Shores Presbyterian Church and the Miami Shores Country Club. She was also a member and past president of the Miami Shores Friendly Villagers, Miami Shores Woman's Club and Miami Shores Garden Club. An avid traveler, she recounted to children, grandchildren and great grandchildren her many exciting experiences including visiting many national parks in the United States as well as honeymooning in Havana, Cuba, seeing volcanoes in Hawaii, cruising through fjords and seeing the northern lights in Norway with her beloved sister Mabel, ferrying from Sweden to Denmark, visiting castles in England and spending Oktoberfest in Germany. Mary was preceded in death by her parents Edward Williams and Marget Davidson, sisters Nellie and Marguerite, brothers James, Charles Edward and Paul, and husbands William Emory Morris, Sr. and C. L. Potter. She is survived by sister Mabel Fisk, sons William Emory Morris, Jr. (Flora Sue) and Charles Edward Morris (Fulvia), grandchildren Pamela Kay Lingenfelter (Rick), William Emory Morris, III, Charles Edward Morris, Jr. (Laurie) and Melissa Christina Morris Howard (Doug), great grandchildren Josh and Erin, and niece Mary Margaret Caldwell. Special thanks for the loving care given her by her wonderful caregivers Romela, Willie and Beebee. She will be remembered and missed, not only by her family, but many who knew her and shared her life. Funeral Services will be 10:30 a.m. Wednesday, September 9th (today) at Stanfill Funeral Home followed by graveside services at Southern Memorial Park, North Miami.

Stanfill Funeral Home 10545 S Dixie (305)667-2518 Family Owned/Operated www.stanfillfh.com To visit this Guest Book Online, go to www.MiamiHerald.com/obituaries.

Published in The Miami Herald on September 9, 2009

Until Heaven

Goodbye Grandma...Nonnie...Mary

6/5/1912 - 9/5/2009

Thanks for prayers for Pam as she will travel to Miami this week for her Grandma's funeral.

Prayers for her sons Emory and Edward as they say goodbye to their mother.

Doings

Pam is doing fair these days. Good days. Bad days. She buckled down and started the anti-hormone drug. Verdict is still out on how that will go. She is recovering nicely from the radiation and most recently the removal of her Power Port. She was not sad to see that go. Fatigue is constant and her nose drips blood* a lot, she would testify that these things are somehow getting worse. Basically, she doesn't feel bad all the time, but she doesn't feel all that great ever either (that sentence ended oddly).

Yesterday we received the news that her 97 year old grandma, Mary, has really taken a turn for the worse. Not doing well. She spent the first 91 years of her life in very good health (she kind of skated through two rounds of breast cancer in 1962/1982), nothing really ever slowed her down. But the past several years have been really hard. So if you are reading this right now, I ask you to pray for her for comfort and peace. Thanks.





These pictures of Pam and the kids with Nonnie are from Melissa's wedding in Coral Gables on 12/30/06.

Here is Pam, Josh and Erin with her on our last visit to Miami in June of 2008. And if you can't tell by the photo, we took her (technically she thinks she took us) to Red Lobster to eat on this day, it has always been one of her favorites. We realize there are better seafood restaurants in Miami (or are there?) but that is one place she loves.

* Pam has been told to take the tamoxifan every other day from now on. The bleeding could indicate thrombocytonpenia...one of the lovely side effects advertised with this drug. She has a week to see if it slows down or stops. The only time it is good to have thrombocytonpenia is when you are playing scrabble. That word is worth about 3,000 points!

A wise Shrek once said...

"Better out than in..."

Now Shrek may have been talking about something other than a Power Port, but it still applies, sort of. Pam is scheduled to be in the ambulatory/surgical unit at Methodist Hospital tomorrow morning to have her port removed. That port has been part of a combination of outward symbols of Pam's ongoing fight with this cancer. It is rarely used now and despite the $23,000+ it cost to have it put in (yes, you read that right) it is coming out. Hopefully there won't be a need to have this "lump" put back in. Pam's goal is to be lump-free from now on.

Speaking of lumps, back in January, post cancer surgery/pre-chemotherapy, Pam found a few more small lumps that concerned her. The plan was to watch them through chemo and radiation. She did. No change during chemo, growing or shrinking, and it was thought that perhaps they were scar tissue. Radiation finished a couple of weeks ago and Pam noticed something. Actually she didn't notice something. SomethingS. The lumps disappeared with the radiation. So what were they? Don't know, but they are gone.

So here we are in August. Pam spent the summer in low key mode, doing treatments, going to the occasional baseball game, not much else. The day to start the anti-hormone therapy has come and gone, still in deliberations on that one (with herself). She wants to feel well for the first time in a long time. She wants to feel like she felt a year ago when she helped with Erin's cheerleading team and ruled the chain gang every Saturday, be it at home or away games. (On a side note, she is mildly bummed that Erin isn't cheering and Josh isn't playing football this year, rather he is playing baseball for his school team, meaning she is out of a job.)

Our kids survived the summer quite well. Erin had a hard time determining which day of each week was her favorite. She eventually admitted it was Monday at the Bergen's enjoying time with all the other kids there and the pool. A sheepish admittal from Josh came a couple of weeks ago as he and I talked about our vacationless summer. His words, "I know it was a hard for mom, but I had a great summer." Pam didn't mind, that was the goal. Our kids tend to be overly penalized because of cancer, and it is nice to know they didn't feel so this time. It took a great deal of effort and a lot of help, but it was worth it. Everyone has problems/issues. It is hard enough for kids to be kids these days. Double hard when they have to carry their parents problems around.

So we will carry on and pray for the best as Pam begins (maybe) the next treatment phase that will present new and interesting challenges.

Rom. 12:18

radiation completion

Pam finished radiation last Friday afternoon. She did so with a bit of mixed emotions. Complicated. But it is done. The schedule for the next few weeks will be much lighter for her. She will have a chance to catch up on some rest, a chance to create new and more satisfying routines. Her goal is to build herself up to a healthier place before she begins hormone therapy. She can do it.

It was almost 24 hours exactly after her last treatment that she met up with our Chillicothe St. Jude Runs team and ran the 1.3 miles through town. 1.3 miles is a far cry from the 21 she ran on Saturday a year ago, but a huge victory for her this year. The event is about raising money for kids with cancer and for the past 5 years has been her thing. The thought of not participating the day of the event was a tough one and she is happy she was able to run a bit, raise a lot and join in with the team at the telethon Saturday night.

Thank you for being with her both in prayer and in person as she has battled every day of this year. The struggles will continue, we accept that. We take things one day at a time and that is OK.

Pam's Back

Literally, this is Pam's back (walking through the hospital parking deck leaving today's treatment).
You can kind of see that the left side of her back is darker, kind of red. The burn from the radiation has been significant, some on the back, more on her chest and a ton under her arm. At this point though, the four field burn has ended so those areas will get to heal. The only area still being radiated are her scars on the front. So let the healing begin.


Radiation (substantial amount, but not an overdose) surprised Pam by how tiring it has been. Last week she hit a wall and had a horrible week. This week is much better, probably because she is three days into a lesser treatment. Right now she only has six more treatments, the last will be on Fri. July 31st.


It has been a trudge, but she is ok. Just like we figured, the treatments pretty much ruled Pam's summer.


The next step is hormone therapy, tamoxifen to be specific. The idea of starting it is really a bummer for her and she is wanting to delay it if she can. Subjecting herself to another toxin that is sure to come with more side effects is really not something she wants to do right now. We will see what happens.


More to come.

C323

There are positives

So Pam had cancer. She thought she beat it and it came back. Negative/negative. Our lives were changed. We as a family went from dull & boring to sick & dull & boring. Cancer has had a huge impact on pretty much every facet of our lives, so many negatives, yet there are positives.

This recurrence was horrible to discover. With it came some serious and justified fears. Ask any cancer patient and they will vouch for how difficult this disease and its treatments can be. Pam didn't look forward to more surgeries and treatments not just for herself, but for all of us.

Pam hit the halfway point of the radiation this week and during her exam with her radiation oncologist (this afternoon), he said she is fit to press on. This summer was really Pam's concern. Chemotherapy during the spring was easier than the first time and was nicely hidden during school hours when it didn't directly affect Josh and Erin. But during the summer, Pam knew it was going to be tough to keep the kids lives normal while devoting several hours each day to going to the hospital for the radiation. What happened was an unexpected positive.

While Pam has trekked to Peoria each day, our kids have been taken in by friends. A play date of sorts nearly every day of the summer. Our kids are very comfy and secure at home and actually some days it is tough for them, Erin especially, to go somewhere. But each day she returns having had a great few hours of connecting with old friends and new. Our fears of this being the summer of misery, unfun in every way for our kids, have been dashed. Pam isn't up for making every baseball game Josh plays in (his schedule was greatly expanded over last years 20 games to about 3 times that), but she has been able to enjoy many thanks to some cooler weather. Erin has gotten to the pool enough times so far to not miss it (thanks in large part to the Bergens and their cement pond).

We have a lot of people who have been so helpful each week. The Bergen, Endres, Waller and Crose families have locked in days to keep the kids. The Boomers and L's fill in the gaps often, as well as many others, like the Benson and Jackson families. (If I didn't mention you by name, just wait, it's probably because I am planning to mention you in a later post along with an embarrassing photo.) You don't know how much concern you have removed from our minds as Pam disappears to the hospital each day.

Thanks for bringing out the positives we didn't think existed.

"And He took the children in His arms, put His hands on them and blessed them." Mark 10:16

At the risk of sounding depressing...

15 down, 22 radiation treatments to go. Everyday, the same thing. The fifteen minute procedure takes the entire morning when you consider the drive there and back and the little bit of waiting. The fatigue that was advertised to go with the radiation has set in. Pam is finding it harder and harder to do things. She never really regained any energy after chemo in the first place. Blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada, yada.



In the past couple of weeks, besides the daily treatment ritual, Pam has done a few other things in a limited sense. She made it to the Relay for Life in Chillicothe, barely. The survivors march started a few minutes early and we arrived as they were lining up. She made her lap in non-record time, losing to all but about two of the other survivors. It is like she didn't even try to beat any of them around the track. I was tempted to yell "DIG, USE YOUR ARMS, NOW!" but I realized I wasn't actually supposed to coach her and it wasn't really a race (although I do think she could have done pretty well, there were only a few people younger than her running in the race...I mean walking the survivors lap). It was a nice evening. Pam isn't usually a big Relayer, not sure why. She is more motivated to do the St. Jude events. I suppose it's because she doesn't want the attention.

Our anniversary was one week ago. We celebrated it at Josh's baseball game. The week prior we had gone to a movie, so we called it good. We were married in 1991, that was last century. But as much as things have changed since then, a lot of the things have stayed the same. On our wedding night we stayed in the bridal suite at Jumer's in Peoria. We were there only a few minutes when Pam asked if I wanted to order Domino's. Pam has pretty much survived off of pizza ever since. It is the one food she has always maintained a taste for. We were crazy healthy people then and when we said our traditional vows of "in sickness and in health," I have to tell you, I never figured we would be dealing with "in sickness" when I said it. Two days after the wedding we were driving to Miami. I humbled myself and admitted to Pam that I was too tired to drive at one point. So she took over. I awoke when my body sensed the car slowing. My eyes opened and focused on the speedometer needle that was dropping, yet hadn't hit 90 mph yet. I have no idea how high it had gone. Like I said, some things never change. Things are difficult these days, but we will get through, firm in the same faith in God we had back then when George Bush was president (the first one).

Pam is missing her favorite season right now. She can't really enjoy being out in the heat. That is tough for her, she LOVES summer. The chemo drug Taxol has continued to work as she is in the process of losing all of her fingernails. Her hair is beginning to return, kind of blond (last time after chemo it came back almost black). She is hoping her eyebrows and eyelashes come back soon. Still some blood in her nose from the Avastin. Her doctors said her power-port could come out anytime, but they recommend she keep it in for a little longer, just in case. She opted out of the permanent tattoo markings for the radiation, not wanting another lifelong reminder of all of this, so she has large X's drawn with Sharpie's and covered with clear plastic adhesive disks on her torso for the duration (they are used to line up the lasers that define the radiation field...pretty important). If you really asked her she would tell you she just wants to be normal again. The fun of being the cancer patient has worn thin.

The fatigue is doing her in and starting this week she is getting rides to radiation. It is wonderful to have a community of friends willing to help. She/we couldn't get through this without you all.

"But you dear friends, build yourselves up in your most holy faith and pray in the Holy Spirit." Jude 20

The machines are getting bigger

It began today, radiation therapy. #1 of 37. Every weekday until July 30th, maybe later if any days are missed. It is going to be a monotonous long summer to say the least. Pam isn't really looking forward to it. Treatments are being done in the hospital, and the hospital is just a little bit more cold, a little too full of people, a little less private. But she has to do it.

This time in between chemo and radiation, prompted Pam to do more research before beginning this new chapter (she has never had radiation before). And when you research cancer, especially recurrent cancer, you find a lot of stuff that just isn't very uplifting. Pam shared with me this passage from breast cancer guru Dr. Susan Love (scroll down to Local Recurrence After Mastectomy). See what I mean? But she will remain upbeat and positive. She will. Her faith is not wavering.

The radiation folks, Bob and his dark haired young friend (whose name I forgot of course) do their best to keep Pam comfy and informed. They know their equipment and procedures well. The plan for Pam is well thought out and meticulously detailed. I was given a total play-by-play of each move they made, and I was even allowed to watch a monitor in the control booth, safe behind an 8 inch thick door that separated Pam from us. The radiation comes from four different angles, three from the sides, glancing blows trying to minimize hitting vital organs like the lungs, heart and esophagus. Then a shot from under the table through her shoulder to hit the lymph node area. Very interesting. Too bad it is Pam who is the subject of this all.

There will be more to come. Thanks for the prayers.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer. 29:11

radiation overdosing

Pam got a call today from the radiation oncologist. The mapping and planning for her radiation therapy is complete. She will have a run through, and get a tatoo, or two, next Monday, wooo-whooo.

The schedule includes 37 doses of radiation, daily, with the weekends and July 3rd off. Finish date should be around July 30th. That totals 7.5 weeks. This summer will officially stink. But you have to do what you have to do.

Her treatments will be performed at Methodist Hospital at 10:15am each day. Methodist is ordinarily an easy 20 min. drive from our house, but with a timely highway construction project that began June 1st, the drive time is likely to far exceed the norm.

37 doses came as a bit of a surprise. We both thought 30 was the number. Kind of concerning for a husband who grew up in the 70's. I know one problem overdosing on radiation can cause, and it isn't pretty. Pray.

delayed reactions

The two weeks that have passed since the last chemotherapy have been about the worst two week span since the start of it in February. Avastin, the metastatic cancer drug, went down pretty easy, but the side effects continue. That bleeding problem that has been around since the start has gotten worse in the past couple of weeks. Some of the other avastin side effects are even less glamorous and have worsened post chemo also. Taxol didn't stop giving either, as the neuropathy it caused that landed between her ears finally reached her fingers as well, making simple tasks nearly impossible. The list of effects is really quite extensive right now, but I won't bore you with them. It has all resulted in Pam making just a few rare appearances outside the house recently.

So when a rather beat up feeling Pam met with the radiation oncologist a week ago and he said "let's start the radiation right away," it was almost more than Pam could take. Nothing like kicking someone when they are down. She originally believed there would be at least a month between chemo and radiation. Yesterday she had to report to the hospital for her radiation simulation. That is the procedure when the quadrant to be radiated is measured and marked using lasers. A CT scan was performed that will be used to map the area so that the least amount of radiation possible will hit her lung, heart and throat. That mapping is being done now and is expected to be complete next week. That will be the green light for the 6.5 to 7.5 weeks (originally it was 6, but seems to be rising) of radiation to begin. Pam made a mercy plea and asked if the beginning can be delayed. Her doctor agreed without hesitation, so Pam bought herself an extra week to regain some strength and hopefully put some of the chemo side effects behind her.

Most people see Pam and notice the obvious. She is a very attractive woman. Even during this chemo and I am sure through the radiation as well. But she doesn't feel attractive and to a woman that hurts. But it's all in her head. Proof...she was recently asked to model some hats with her friend Gina. Marigold was started with the specific goal of creating caps to adorn the heads of women being treated for breast cancer. Gina was the original inspiration and the hats are becoming a modest fashion hit I hear. When you click on the word Marigold you'll see the back of Pam's head on the third pic of the slideshow. Click on the collection tab to see the great photos of her and Gina (and Callie, Aliesha, and the rest). I am grateful for this photographic proof that she isn't the sad looking cancer patient she fears she has become. Thank you Callie for asking Pam to be a part.

Our dear friend Don Bowen received news just yesterday that his brain tumor has begun to grow again. Whether you know Don or not, I will ask for you to pray for him.

The Lingenfelter family fun summer plans for 2009 have changed greatly from 2008. Our regular trip to St. Cloud and Miami will be replaced by daily trips to the radiation wing of Methodist Hospital. Pam has tabled the thought of her 5th consecutive year of running the St. Jude run, although we will still be raising and participating in other ways (I may run, emphasis on "may"...I am actually carrying all the weight Pam's mind has convinced her she has gained).

Josh will go to camp in Michigan for a week and Erin has a camping trip of her own planned. Pam and I may rent a movie sometime in June and if we put it in the DVD player early enough, I will stay up with Pam to watch the entire thing. So, plans have changed, but remain exciting nonetheless.

Thanks for staying with us on this journey. More about radiation to come.

Enough!

...who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 2 Corinthians 1:4-6 NIV



Enough. Pam did it. I had my doubts at the beginning that she would make it, mostly due to her history of over-reacting to each and every drug thrown at her, but she did it. She finished the complete chemotherapy regimen. It wasn't easy and although we are looking back now, it doesn't seem as though time flew. The past 6 months have crept. The next six probably will too. But, step two (the two surgeries can be called #1) is done. A huge thank you to all of you who have supported her, prayed for her and encouraged her.

Last Wednesday went very well. I was supposed to be booked with field trip duties so Pam's folks delivered her to the cancer center. Sheri kept Pam company and watched for reactions. Rachel and Gina showed up to acknowledge the finish. Then they treated Pam to a celebration lunch with even more friends (or was it just Tanya added in? Leesa? idk) It was such a better ending than four years ago when chemo had her stranded in the hospital. So much better.

Pam is tired. Physically the chemo did it's trick. She longs for the strength and energy to run and exercise like last year. Her memory is hit and miss and strangely enough she seems to have pretty sharp long term memories, but the short-term just isn't all that reliable. The blood in her nose has stuck around. Her eyebrows are racing her eyelashes to the floor, giving her the complete cancer patient look she detests. But it's all good. A Porsche without paint is still a beautiful and fantastic car. Amazing Grace is an awesome song even when performed without instruments, maybe even better.

And now, rest for a few weeks, maybe a month or so, then radiation. Pam isn't planning on it being a picnic. The left half of her torso, hip to shoulder to sternum and down again will be nuked. She is guaranteed it will burn and some physical changes are likely. Her love of hot weather is going to be tempered this summer with discomfort, but it is all part of the long term plan of overcoming this cancer. Prayers will continue to be welcomed.

Her blog will continue to let you know how she is progressing. You can have fun watching the hair return (pray with me that it comes in brown with blond highlights, a financial prayer of sorts). I will keep the blog updated as information seems interesting or prayers are needed.

You may wonder why Pam took this pic of Rachel and Sheri in the cancer center in such an odd pose. Respecting the other patients seated all around, Pam was talking quietly to them. Seems both Rachel and Sheri each have hearing problems in at least one ear, Rachel's left, Sheri's right. So they had turned their heads to hear Pam's words better and Pam couldn't resist capturing the moment.

Race for the Cure 2009 A Pictorial

This is the post where the photos will do most of the talking. Sadly, on many of them I had pushed a button on my camera one too many times and I ended up with a bunch of artsy over exposed shots. Missed perfection again, happens every day.

Our team of 4 set out for the race just like every other year. The usual get up early, get this over. But things changed quickly as Pam marched with the other survivors in the rear of the pack near, but in front of the newbies. To Pam's surprise she spotted a group of loud shirts proclaiming "Pam's Posse." Even I, blogmaster, was out of the loop on this one. And the surprise was priceless. Some tears flowed and a hugging festival ensued and all was well. 20,000 or so walked, surrounding the few hundred survivors. The posse numbered around 30.

Shortly into the 5K, an older lady took a spill due to a pothole. Our Erin saw it all as she was directly behind her. Pam heard the thud of her head on the pavement. My first reaction when someone goes down is to yell "STEPHANIE" (Elder...that's who I yelled for when the ladies leg exploded next to me during the St. Jude Run 07 and it worked fantastically). But she was out of sight. Instead, "NURSE" worked just fine, getting Sheri Bryne and Lisa Benson out of the posse double-time. While I called 911 they got her vitals and worked on the bleeding. Susan gathered the posse together and they prayed.

****UPDATE 5/10/09****A SMALL PART OF THIS MOMENT REGARDING THE FALL OF FANNY MCCOY WAS NOTED IN THE PEORIA JOURNAL STAR. http://www.pjstar.com/raceforthecure/x114619092/Magical-emotions-at-Race-for-the-Cure

When it was all said and done, Pam's Posse ended up being near the end of the 20,000. A not-so-brief bathroom stop and our team was solidly bringing up the rear. A memory to add to the memories.

We crossed the finish line with cheers from our group. 1 hour and 41 minutes to go three miles. That has to be a record of some sort.

Pam rounded out the morning by visiting with Dr. Mammolito, again. She also had a little chat with ace Peoria Journal Star investigative reporter, Terry Bibo.

This was a good morning. Thanks to all.