Sleep in Heavenly Peace

I will miss you my friend. I love you man.

No shadow...winter coming

Pam emerged from her room yesterday evening and with her good right arm/hand (her left arm kind of dangles like Woody's from Toy Story) did her hair and changed out of her pajamas. Her goal was to join the rest of us at practice for the Northwoods Christmas Program. The timing of her cancer returning was especially disappointing as it has messed with her ability to participate in the program, something we love to do as a family. The schedule for the practices and performances is daunting and exhausting. But Pam decided she would miss no more.

She was a bit stunned to learn that the temperature was a somewhat coolish 9 outside of her room, but she pressed on. And she made it all the way to this seat in the auditorium and decided that was good enough, she watched from there, trying not to stoke the pain further.

The old and new pains she struggles to manage were making her second guess this trip. She feels bad that she didn't get any farther, that she flinched when friends came to hug, that she cringed when kids rushed near, squeezing and bumping, that she maybe didn't say hi to everyone, but she was satisfied that she did something, and she is determined to return this evening. We'll see how it goes, last night was a short practice, 8-10:30 for us. Tonight is scheduled from 5-???. She knows where to find soft chairs just in case.

Pam did get to see some friends. When not hanging out with Brian Urlacher at Chick-Fil-A, you might find Don Bowen hanging with Pam. Don was last year's Christmas program cancer recipient, getting the news he had brain cancer before one of the 2007 practices. Since then he has had surgeries, treatments and battles with pain. These two WIU alums spent some quality time comparing the drugs they take and the battles they wage, Don's above the neck, Pam's below.

Both were in pain as I took the big photo above, both cranked out great smiles and both are determined to serve God again this Christmas in this program.

Pray for these two, that they are given a break from the pain and healing from cancer.

Hard to swallow pills Chap. 6

Of all the hard times Pam has experienced, this week ranks pretty high. It was one experience to go through cancer the first time. It is oddly the same and dramatically different the second. The emotions, fears and physical trials are all at a higher level. The surgery Monday was successful as the tumors that were discovered were all removed. These tumors by the way, were all discovered by Pam herself. Though she was confident she had beaten the original cancer, she has been diligent these past three years, checking for anything unusual. She first discovered the lump in the lymph area a few weeks ago and a sonogram and biopsy confirmed it. She then found the two other tumors in a different area after the first was confirmed. The tests ordered after the first tumor, PET and chest CT, never lit up the second two tumors. They only showed up with an addtional ultrasound after Pam's discovery. So, there is a lesson there.

This very long and difficult week culminated at an appointment with her oncologist this morning. It was confirmed that all the tumors were cancerous (no scar tissue as hoped). There is cancer in the lymphnodes and lower on her left chest. We had a very good and lengthy discussion and a suggestion was given as to what type of treatment should be most effective. Radition is not an option, leaving chemotherapy and hormone therapy on the board. Pam has a couple weeks of resting and consideration, then we'll meet again with her doctor to finalize the plan. Treatments would begin shortly after the 1st of the year.

Much of the discussion we had centered around the multitude of problems Pam had during and after chemotherapy the first time. To this day she is still battling the damage done by the original chemo. Her doctor is very understanding and any treatment will be custom tailored to her, not standard protocol. Drugs will be different. Administration will be different. He also said that at any point he could stop the process if it looks like a replay of before. Mildly reassuring, but just talking about it made Pam physically sick. The old aversion, to the cancer center building, reignited as we talked. Tough day ending a tough week.

We have spent a lot of time in doctors office waiting rooms. This morning we were in two, and one even had a view. We'll be in them more and more in the months to come. Pam will do what she must to beat her cancer. She will rely on those who care to pray. She asks for specific prayer that the chronic pain and physical damage she has dealt with since the first chemo will be healed...or at a minimum not worsened by the treatment that is coming.

Another prayer is that our kids be protected through this. At 8 and 12, they have a rather good understanding of cancer. They witnessed Pam go through it before and we have several friends battling it now. They know a lot, and knowledge can be scary. So we will do whatever we can to keep their routines the same and news of what Pam is going through real, but optimistic, because we are. Things will be tough but OK.

Our social life has been affected as well. We used to not have one, now we actually talk to people we aren't related to. Go figure.

Surgery Chap. 5

Pam came out of surgery today feeling pretty good (thanks morphine). That was around 11am and now, nearly 6 hours later, she really feels like she had surgery this morning. This could be a very long night. She is a trooper though, a veteran of many medical procedures and will be alright. She is very relieved to have the lumps out of her body. A section was removed from the lymph area and two lumps were removed from her chest. We are hoping by Wednesday to hear from her surgeon about the pathology report. Then Friday morning Pam's oncologist meets with her to discuss the details of what is next. Thanks for praying her through this day.

Pam was well cared for as our friend Lisa scheduled herself on her day off to take care of Pam in both pre-op and post-op. That means so much to Pam and really helps her to get through a rather tough and surreal moment as her battle with cancer intensifies again. She has much confidence in her surgeon and oncologist and trusts they are taking all the right steps to help her battle this disease. Prior to surgery I snapped a pic of Pam and Lisa. Don't they look great? Again, don't be deceived, cancer isn't actually this glamorous and Pam doesn't even get to keep the gowns.

Pam Cancer Sequel Chap. 4

1 for 3, that would be a great batting average (.333) in the MLB, but not so great when only one of your three medical tests comes back seemingly clear. 1. The bone scan (see the bone scan machine eating Pam below) is a great test to pass and Pam's showed nothing suspicious so far (soon to be confirmed). 2. Chest CT, not perfectly clear. Would rather she have aced that test, but... A baseline measurement was made of something in her right lung that could very well be nothing and more tests are sure to follow. This is the normal life of the cancer patient, one test leads to another and to another with a lot of waiting in between. 3. Ultrasound, the test that was ordered after the others were planned, showed a round solid mass on the left side of her chest. This will be removed with the cancer in her lymph area on Monday. After it is dissected we'll find out what it is, probably late next week.

Pam is taking this all in stride. We aren't thrilled with the results of these tests, but it could have been much worse. The new findings have the potential to be absolutely nothing. Pam still has surgery on Monday and the plan is for it to be outpatient. Pre-op is always nice. We usually see Kathy (used to see Robin too) and pray together before surgery. Lisa plans to work on what should be her day off so she can take care of Pam in post-op. We really have good friends in the right places. We have Stephanie on retainer for emergency late night health issues (and shopping). ER doc Troy surprised Pam with a housecall last time through, on a night when she couldn't face the thought of a long wait in another doctor's waiting room. We are blessed.
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Pam is realistic about what lies ahead, she has had some experience here. We thought it was all over long ago (at least I thought it was, I even wrote that...boy was I wrong...click here and you can see how I ended Pam's cancer battle a long time ago and as a bonus you'll see how great she looks without hair.)
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So I ask for a little prayer for my wife as she has surgery first thing Monday. I will let you know how it goes. Thanking you in advance.