13 (or more) reasons to be thankful

The weeks before and after Thanksgiving are not Pam's favorite times of the year. From mid-October to early December she gets to "celebrate" all the bad news that has historically erupted for her. Her birthday is one such anniversary (biopsy 08). So it takes the fun out of it. The day before Thanksgiving, mastectomy. Thanksgiving day...pain, loss. Oct. 19th, my birthday, self-discovery of her first tumors. It goes on and on.

This year... A little over a week ago we celebrated Pam's 24th birthday. It was 40% enjoyable for her I would say. She received loads of clothing from her store (she even got a handwritten thank you note from them for all her business), pink MLB bat, with autographs, and 98 birthday greetings on her Facebook (during my three years on Facebook I received 2 total...don't have to be a math whiz to realize that is only a little over 1 per year on average...one of the reasons I quit Facebook). It was all good. But the right side of her face and neck was sore.

Wednesday the 18th, anniversary of the 2008 diagnosis, is where I will begin with the long list of things to be thankful for from the past 7 days. Lots of links included.

1) Medpointe. On Wednesday Pam went to Medpointe to see if there was some infection causing the soreness. A rapid strep test was performed and was negative, but an antibiotic was given just as a precaution. Thankful for the Medpointe people as they didn't look on the roof of her mouth, thus saving us one night of worry last week.

2) Dr. Kristie Wollard. Concerned about her perfect teeth (chemo can be hard on such areas), Pam went in to see her friend and dentist Kristie on Thursday morning. Moments after sitting her down, Kristie and her assistant noticed an "irregularity." (That was the best pic I could get.) When you see medical professionals to the tune of 100+ per year like Pam does, you learn to read their physical actions in addition to listening to their words. Kristie's reaction was enough for Pam to understand her concern. A couple of mirrors were positioned for Pam to see. It was tough, Pam broke down. A cancer patient, especially a recurrent cancer patient, even a faithful and positive thinking one, always waits for "something" to show up. This irregularity looked like something had shown up. It appeared suddenly and it came without pain. The gray and blackness of it were startling. We are thankful for Kristie and her care and concern for Pam. She immediately directed Pam to a specialist. Oh, and Kristie didn't charge Pam for this visit. Didn't expect that.

3) A terrifically somber and short call to me from Pam followed. My heart raced as I waited for Pam to arrive. She entered the room, told me an irregularity was found by Kristie and wept. Then she showed me. I couldn't believe my eyes. So we went directly to her oncologists office without an appointment, not really able to wait a full day to see the oral surgeon. Her oncologist was out of the Peoria office that day, but we were thankful for the lab nurses/techs and that one of the other oncologists saw her. He shall remain nameless because he kind of mis-diagnosed it, and did so in a terrifically over confident way, even spelling it out on a marker board. So, the thankfulness for him is slightly less than pure thankfulness. OK, we weren't super thankful for him. Not the warm reassuring type. We were thankful that the office didn't charge us for the impromptu visit though.

4) "Second cousin" and "goofy." It isn't often that I panic. I panicked this day. Very thankful that the big shoulders of these guys met us at the Cancer Center for prayer and support. This was the first time I had ever called for support like this during the past 5 years that I remember. They didn't hesitate.

5) Dr. Michael Veeder. Really thankful for him. He called last Thursday evening (and Monday evening, and Tuesday evening) and let Pam know what steps she should be taking and that the feelings she/we had during our visit with the other oncologist were legitimate.

6) Dr. Kathy Arkwell. We have lost track of how many times Kathy has talked us through and encouraged us. She spent much time on the phone last Thursday evening with Pam giving guidance, direction and encouragement. Crazy thankful for Kathy.

7) Lisa. Thankful that Lisa showed up at our house to comfort and encourage Pam last Thursday evening. She even got her to eat something.

8) Susan and Amy. Thankful that these two haven't hardly let an hour go by without checking on Pam during all of this. You don't know how encouraging you both are.

9) Dr. Nate Shroeder. Thankful for Dr. Shroeder, an out-of-network oral surgeon who was able to look at Pam on Friday before the weekend set in. His panoramic x-ray of her mouth and jaw showed no masses, easing the concern over the sore lumps near her teeth and in her neck. He was the first to tell Pam that the chances of this being metastatic breast cancer showing up on her palate were very slim. Gave her some confidence heading into the weekend.

10) Dr. Stephen Doran. Had to travel all the way to Bloomington for this in-network oral surgeon on Monday, but he is a good one. He came with high recommendations from Kathy and that means a lot. We were thankful for his examination, second x-ray, and confidence that this was not a cancer. He explained things in a most reassuring way, although he stopped short, as most of the others had, of saying what is causing this. He thinks it is possibly a reaction to one of the drugs Pam is on. If it doesn't show signs of healing in the very near future, he will go a step further.

11) Dr. Denise Mammolito. Always thankful for Pam's general surgeon. She has looked at everything that has arisen within Pam, and this one was no different. She saw Pam yesterday for another reason, revisiting a lump Pam discovered in Sept. that she is keeping an eye on, but looked at this mouth spot as well.

12) Dr. Azizur Rehman. Thankful for him, we think, not really sure yet. About two weeks ago Pam's primary care physician retired, leaving her without a general practitioner during this latest fiasco. Dr. Rehman is in the same office as the last guy, so for now, Pam is switching to him because she can't go without someone. He is likely the last medical person who will look at this spot in her mouth for now. Thankful for that also.

And lucky #13) Pam said she might wear her Halloween costume to Thanksgiving dinner to make things more fun after this rather crappy past seven days. For that I am thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

5 years ago

Five years ago our life was soooo different. Pam was still two weeks away from beginning the fight against her newly discovered cancer. She had all her parts. Her memory hadn't be stolen yet. Her teaching skills were second to none. She walked this hall each day tending to her 6th graders with love and amazing skill. Most of the people she taught with during her many years at Mossville have left by now. It is such a different place. It is almost strange to go back there now, like Josh and I did for a basketball game on Monday night. He and I recollected about the fun times we had in the gym on the weekend days or the many evenings Pam worked in her room and he, Erin and I played in the gym. He chuckled as he recalled the light he may or may not have broken with a misguided basketball shot. He and Erin remember how they used to leave drawings and messages on Pam's whiteboard for her class to see the following day. That hallway/classroom was pretty new when Pam left. Last time we were in there it still had that "new" classroom smell. We remembered the good (really old) old days when Pam was in her room nearest the office. The days of catching dozens of mice in the live trap, then trying to figure out how to kill them. Pregnant Pam (with Josh), teaching kids who have long since graduated from high school. Remembering some kids and many co-teachers/friends from Mossville who aren't on this earth anymore. Bringing either kid to Mossville to have lunch with Pam, and/or for Pam to give them lunch (again, back when she had all her parts).

It's just weird to think back. Five years doesn't seem like a long time, but so much has happened in those five years. So odd.

Understanding

Understanding is not so easy. I don't really understand how hard things are for Pam. I know she can pull off looking fantastic and smiling. I know she can hide how she feels at times. I know her energy is low. I know her memory is shaky. I know she can't recall any better than I can exactly how many friends/family have passed away in the past year (I just went through the contacts in my cell phone and I know it is at least four, beginning with Randy). Definitely can't recall how many over the past two or three. A great man ended his 22 month battle with cancer yesterday, leaving behind his loving wife and four beautiful daughters. Don Bowen had us all praying for miracles, BIG ones. Everyone will miss Don. Christmas won't be the same without him. We don't understand.

I used to turn to Randy Shafer to help in my understanding of things big and small. I still do. His blog hangs out there for me to reference. Memories of our conversations are beginning to fade, but some things stuck. Like when he said he will know he is cured of cancer when he dies from something else. There is no cure for cancer, but some people are cured. We thought Pam was a year ago. Quite confident right up until Nov. 17th. Understanding why some are and some are not is very difficult. Understanding why the most common breast cancer treatment works in pretty much all women, except Pam, is hard. Understanding exactly what to do next is not easy. It's all enough to make a girl hurry home from an appointment and just need to eat a cookie (thanks Debbie). And candy the next day.