Understanding

Understanding is not so easy. I don't really understand how hard things are for Pam. I know she can pull off looking fantastic and smiling. I know she can hide how she feels at times. I know her energy is low. I know her memory is shaky. I know she can't recall any better than I can exactly how many friends/family have passed away in the past year (I just went through the contacts in my cell phone and I know it is at least four, beginning with Randy). Definitely can't recall how many over the past two or three. A great man ended his 22 month battle with cancer yesterday, leaving behind his loving wife and four beautiful daughters. Don Bowen had us all praying for miracles, BIG ones. Everyone will miss Don. Christmas won't be the same without him. We don't understand.

I used to turn to Randy Shafer to help in my understanding of things big and small. I still do. His blog hangs out there for me to reference. Memories of our conversations are beginning to fade, but some things stuck. Like when he said he will know he is cured of cancer when he dies from something else. There is no cure for cancer, but some people are cured. We thought Pam was a year ago. Quite confident right up until Nov. 17th. Understanding why some are and some are not is very difficult. Understanding why the most common breast cancer treatment works in pretty much all women, except Pam, is hard. Understanding exactly what to do next is not easy. It's all enough to make a girl hurry home from an appointment and just need to eat a cookie (thanks Debbie). And candy the next day.