Putting the happy back in chemotherhappy

Again, remember, this post (actually I guess all of them) is coming from the point of view of the caregiver. This paragraph in particular is my point of view that may or may not be shared by the caregivee. I have actually been wanting Pam's hair to fall out. Not just because it will save hundreds on hair product and hours of prep time (which she told me not to expect to change), but because I like to see that the drugs are doing their job. So I am at least a little happy to know this chemotherapy is attacking cells as promoted. Pam's side effects in 09 are a far cry from those in 05. We couldn't miss them then. This time they have been vague. Increased lack of energy. Aches and pains. Slight bleeding. Increased insomnia. They were vague enough that this caregiver was actually wondering if the dosing was maybe too light or too spread out.

Friday night we went to the Bradley Braves Club & Women's basketball team's "Pink Zone" reception. It is a fund/awareness-raiser for breast cancer and the Susan G. Komen Foundation. No one could have guessed Pam was 1/4 the way through chemo as she attended. Few there knew she was a recurrent breast cancer patient. Yesterday Pam met with some friends over lunch and discussed a book called "The Shack" (book talk...boring...caregiver point of view). She made it home in time to head to church to lead her group of 2nd/3rd graders. She even ok'd going to Avanti's after church with some of our incredible friends (didn't think that would happen with her lack-o-energy). Finally we made it home.

Pam was in the bathroom for a long time last night, the door was cracked. I finally peered in. There she stood with a sink full of hair. It started coming out a few days earlier. It seemed ok all day yesterday, but that may have been the massive amount of sticky hair products keeping it attached. So she pulled and pulled. Occasionally she would look at me and ask "Do you think it is just thinning or is it all coming out?" Time to be a man, so I replied, "What do you think?" She looked away and kept pulling. Pam was toying with the idea of just shaving the rest off. So she asked me if she should get out the clippers. I manned up and said "Do you want me to shave it off?" She went back to pulling.

This step was easy four years ago when she was disengaged from life and reality during chemo. She simply stumbled out of her bed, said "shave it off it's falling out all over the bed," then went back to bed and awoke a couple months later. This time though, she is fully aware of every step of treatment.

It is very important to Pam how the kids are affected by her illness and treatments. They are in on most every move she/we make. This step needed their input. We called the kids in to view the hair. After having everyone of us view her scalp and take some tugs, Pam finally told us to shave it. In unison the kids both said "I'm first." We worked out that detail and began shaving. It was a slow process, couldn't risk any knicks, she already has enough problems with her bleeding. Josh and Erin stuck around for the first fifteen minutes. The next hour and a half it was up to me to slowly shave her head without putting any pressure on the razor. I can relate to the pressure Sully was under as he landed that plane in the Hudson. But it took longer to shave Pam's head, so I think this was probably harder. When it was complete Pam looked at me and said, "Do you really think it was all going to fall out?" I said of course. She then said, "What if I wake up in the morning and there is stubble?" Argh. My reply was just a blank stare. I have been regretting the short hair cut I talked her into for 17 days now. She finally let me off the hook with a smile.

So this morning Pam awoke to a camera in her face (caregivers point of view). She is bald for the second time in her adult life. Not as big a deal as most people might think. At least not a big deal for someone like Pam who has a nicely shaped head. Here you go.